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Thursday, September 01, 2011
 
REPORT FROM THE WAR ZONE

September 2101 - we’ve lost count of the day….

You’ve all heard the news by now I’m sure. Some of you of course are part of the news - the terrible, terrible news. The Chinoranians have now captured Philadelphia and are relentlessly pressing westward. We in Chicago have been alerted to barricade our homes, gather all the weapons we can find and prepare to fight to the last civilian. The army of course has already retreated and those with enough gas to propel their ancient vehicles have gathered in the Denver area to await the outcome of the latest debate in Congress.

It’s hard to believe that it was only six months ago when Chinarania declared war on the United States for daring to suggest that it had violated the basic rights of its citizens. In their declaration, they made it clear that Chinaranian citizens have no rights, basic or otherwise and it was therefore impossible for them to have been violated. When we refused to apologize, they of course announced that their invasion fleet would be leaving immediately and we should prepare for the worst.

As everyone knew- or has at least discovered in the last six months, because of decades of the absence of war, our military equipment was in a state of disrepair and our armed forces decimated by retirements, better futures and jazzier uniforms offered by the MacDonalds service corps - and forced eviction of gay personnel despite the revocation of "Don’t Ask Don’t Tell" which had been expected to go into effect in 2070 but had been delayed by a Republican filibuster, now in its 75th year. But still, with the declaration of war by those wrong Godded heathens, millions of us were ready to stand and die for our country. All we needed was the call to arms and the necessary equipment to repel and defeat the enemy. You’d think that no one - not even the most dedicated pacifist - would have objected to that response. But of course we were wrong. We had forgotten about Speaker of the House , Congressman Micky Cantor, great grandson of the infamous Eric Cantor , who spent his last years in an asylum for the criminally insane after shooting a first responder carrying food and medicine to families trapped in their homes in his district following the devastation of hurricane Zelda in 2038. Apparently the good Samaritan hadn’t been able to explain what Federal program had been cut to pay for the lifesaving supplies and paid for it with his life.

And now we have history repeating itself with Cantor’s great grandson Micky insisting that GG was right - that the do gooder deserved to be shot and that there was no way the House was going to appropriate money for things like tanks and planes and ammunition and paychecks for military personnel without offsetting savings from other Federal programs. The Chinaranian army is expected to reach Cleveland by Wednesday and Speaker Canton has announced that the bi-partisan deficit reduction committee appointed by President Jon Jon Stewart, great grandson of the renowned newsman of the early two thousands , will have a partial report ready by that day and that if sufficient savings have been identified, as many as 700 reconstructed blunderbusses could be approved for immediate shipment to the front lines..

Stay tuned for updates - if we are able to continue to provide them. We have learned that one of the cost savings proposal involves shutting down oxygen supply equipment to all underground news services not identified as registered Republicans. Pray for us…….