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Monday, September 19, 2011

Exclusive breaking news. Interpol this morning confirmed to this blogger the rumor that has been floating around the halls of Congress and monkey cages in world wide zoos. A full fledged investigation has been launched into Ponzi schemes that have been running for years in just about every so called industrial nation. These schemes were launched under the guise of being "retirement programs" for working people after they reached retirement age and were no longer working. The retirement age varies slightly from country to country but the scheme is essentially the same. Retirement income is paid to those no longer working out of taxes collected from people who are working. Before they retired - while they were still working, retirees in these countries also unknowingly contributed to the scheme by having taxes deducted from their paychecks.

The scheme came to light after the announcement by the Mammy Yokum Gland company that their FDA approved Methuselah Gland had been proved effective in several triple almost blind studies conducted over the past 100 years and that ingestion of the gland four times a day every other Thursday in months that have more than 30 days can extend the life of ordinary humans to at least 120 years - 150 years for Dogpatch residents . The Mammy Yokum Methuselah gland, which may be combined with the well known "Goodness Gland" in order to counteract the expected increased orneryness that is expected to manifest itself somewhere in the middle of the tenth decade of life, will be available as an OTC product around four o’clock next Wednesday.

While Interpol is confident that it will be able to prove that most, if not all national retirement programs are Ponzi schemes, it has cautioned that it may not be able to bring the perpetrators to justice. Initial attempts to bring the case to the International Court in The Hague have run into an unexpected roadblock in the form of a well entrenched Ponzi scheme in the Netherlands. The Justices were willing to proceed with the case if their own Ponzi scheme could be given immunity from prosecution. Interpol officials are considering this request, but any decision they make may be too late to prevent the catastrophe that it is predicted will result from the release of the Mammy Yokum longevity product.

Mathematicians and Zoo Keepers have determined that in less than 30 years from four o’clock next Wednesday, there will be more people retired than working. The ratio of retirees to workers is estimated to be approximately five to one three decades from now and will increase annually thereafter until everyone will be retired and no one will be working.

In order to avoid this catastrophe, Interpol has turned to the leadership of the U.S. House of Representatives, who have devised a cunning rescue plan. Let the schemes continue, they recommend, but to offset the predicted unsustainable ratio of retirees to workers that will be reached 30 years from next Wednesday, cut taxes on all citizens of all industrial nations earning in excess of a half million dollars or its equivalent annually. Cut those taxes to ZERO!! That will ensure that the world’s wealthy will be able to create more jobs than have ever existed. Many of these jobs will be filled by members of the animal kingdom who previously performed for nothing for our amusement. By putting them on payrolls and taxing their pay, we will have a virtually limitless supply of taxpayers to support all existing Ponzi schemes and those that may be created in the future.

Reached at his sumptuous summer (spring, fall, winter) residence, noted financial wizard Bernie Madoff commented that he wished he’d thought of that solution. ‘Why, just the squirrels in Central Park could have kept me going indefinitely because they would never have expected any return," said the world renowned Ponzi practitioner. Reached at the Dogpatch Hilton, Pappy Yokum hiccuped and said "I knew there was more than corn in that brew."

Attempts to reach Governor Perry of Texas for comment were unsuccessful. It was later learned that the Governor himself was under investigation by Interpol, the Securities and Exchange Commission and several Societies for the Protection of Animals for insider trading of Mammy Yokum Gland futures.

Stay tuned. Further reports of this story of the century will appear here, exclusively, as soon as they have been dreamed up by this tired old blogger.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

I will probably watch the President’s "jobs" speech tonight but I don’t expect much will come of it. As I fantasized the other day, whatever he says will be criticized by Republicans and he has given them an extra opportunity to criticize by upping the ante from suggesting a new kind if stimulus plan - and I’m pretty certain that that is all it’s going to be - to a major speech before a joint session of Congress. I can almost agree with Republicans who are criticizing the venue to present his job creation ideas, calling it more of a political speech than anything else. Why he would choose the pomp and ceremony of a joint session to propose nuts and bolts ideas is beyond me. I’m not sure if it needs to be presented in a speech at all - but if it does, talking to us from the Oval Office would make more sense. No big announcements of his arrival. No one having the high privilege and distinct honor of introducing him. No interruptions with standing applause. No obligatory shots of Senators and Representatives - some showing or feigning interest and some scowling or shaking their heads.

I keep hearing pleas from the left for the President to "go big" - presumably to ask for Congressional approval of a larger spending plan than the amount we’ve been hearing in leaks. What I’d prefer to hear is the President telling the American people some plain truths. The first - that Presidents don’t have a magic wand that they can wave and create jobs. That all the political jargon about Presidents gaining or losing jobs is just that - political jargon. That presidents have some influence over employment numbers by way of economic policies - but for the most part, it’s a matter beyond their control.

The second thing I’d like him to say - and he probably won’t - is that the history of the industrial world is replete with periods of booms and busts and that when one of these extremes occurs in the shape of a recession or depression, societies have to step back, re-adjust and find new ways forward. And those new ways usually take time to take hold and that no instant solutions should be expected. But also yes, in such times as we are experiencing today, Government needs to step in and provide a bridge to fill the employment gap - we hope the temporary gap - left by the private sector - and that is why he is proposing whatever it is he will propose.

If he was giving the speech from some place other than in a joint session venue, he might be able to say it is time for Republicans to put their major agenda on hold - which, as Mitch McConnell has made crystal clear, not just with words, but with the greatest number of filibusters in the history of the Senate - is to prevent him from winning a second term. He’ll say something about the need for bi-partisanship and putting country before party - but at a joint sessions, he won’t say what I’ve written above. If he does, I’ll be impressed and swift to say how I’ve misjudged him.

Regrettably, his re-election or defeat will likely depend on the unemployment numbers in November next year. American voters have little patience and many will be fooled into believing that their fortunes can be improved by a simple change in the occupant of the White House. I thought Bill Clinton was a pretty good president but that his campaign them of "It’s the Economy Stupid" was a tip of the hat to the stupidity of voters - on which many political candidates rely - indeed hope for. And Obama is in further trouble because of his campaign of "Change is Coming to America" and "Yes We Can" - which attracted many young voters who didn’t understand the power of a single Senator to say "No You Can’t" - and the conservative Supreme Court to allow corporations to exercise almost as much veto power - and who still don’t understand why the President isn’t or can’t be the champion they voted for.

P.M. I watched. I listened. Pretty much what he’s said before. The reactions in the chamber were exactly as I described. Republicans may find a way to O.K. the proposed tax cuts but otherwise I expect the post-reaction to also be as I described.

Monday, September 05, 2011

Republican Presidential candidate hopefuls are busy this Labor Day criticizing the President’s jobs speech before a joint session of Congress. From coast to coast and border to border, they’ve spread out to assure the American public that the President’s plans are hogwash, won’t work and in fact will likely increase the numbers of unemployed.

Mitt Romney, speaking from an off shore tax haven, accused the President of being out of touch with ordinary working people who shower after work instead of before. What they want, said the perennial presidential wannabe is to have their capital gains taxes cut by half. Then they’d be able to buy the kind of yachts, luxury automobiles, caviar and champagne that would boost employment. When it was pointed out that most after work shower type people don’t have much if anything in the way of capital gains on their IRS returns, Romney insisted that the President failed in his speech by not recommending incentives to open new factories in China and Indonesia, so that workers could be hired to unload the goods that would be made in them as they arrive at our ports of entry.

Rick Perry scoffed at the idea that anything the President said in his speech would do anything for the unemployed. Oh yes - he conceded that at the end of his phony baloney speech, Obama had asked God to bless the United States of America - but that was the only appeal to God - and there was no way of knowing which God he was talking to. It sure sounded like Allah to the Texas Governor. But apart from that dubious mention - there was simply no mention of him asking God to find work for the unemployed. In fact, he gave the very strong impression that he listens to his advisors - his HUMAN advisors for ideas on how to do anything , rather than praying for guidance from above. For that reason alone, his speech was a dud…

Michelle Bachmann said that since Obama advanced no plan to reduce the price of gas to two dollars a gallon - the price she guaranteed would be at the pump the day after she is inaugurated, there was nothing that he suggested that would create a single job. He also didn’t mention the Un-American members of Congress or any plan to investigate them which would have called for an increase in the staff of the House Committee on Un-American activities. When it was pointed out that no such committee exists, she in turn pointed to its absence as proof positive of the failure of Obama’s Presidency - and of course of his jobs speech.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said that frankly, he didn’t give a damn about what the President said, frankly. Besides, frankly, he’s not really running for President. Any idiot could see that. And Obama didn’t say a damned thing about the price of diamonds at Tiffany’s, which is a matter of great concern to the unemployed who are reduced to buying paste jewelry for former spouses - and in some cases, even for current spouses. Frankly.

Ron Paul said the President’s speech was just as he expected. Not a single word about the real problem . GOVERNMENT and all that goes with it. For heaven’s sake, if we didn’t have the government getting in the way, we’d have millions of people busy helping the millions of unemployed - and they’d be able to do it because there’d be NO TAXES - and that’s what you’d get with a Ron Paul administration. But all Obama talked about was bi-partisan yada yada yada and Congress cooperating with him. Cooperating? With HIM? I always thought the guy was a little off - but after that speech - I think he’s lost it altogether.

Herman Cain said speech? What speech? Was he talking about two pizzas in every pot? I could support that. Not much else though. Is he really black?

Sarah Palin asked how much was being offered for her analysis of the President’s job speech, and when told "nothing" responded "You’ve got to be kidding. You think I gave up being Governor of Alaska to give away freebees on matters of great import? You’re nuts. O.K. This one time only. The speech was a dud. Off the wall. Crazy ideas that won’t work. Probably written by that terrorist he used to hang around with."

Later, all the candidates and non-candidates were asked why they weren’t waiting to hear the speech on September 7 before offering criticism and how they were able to criticize a speech that had not yet been delivered.

Mitt Romney said he had a poker game scheduled that night and because of his experience in buying companies, breaking them up and shipping work overseas, he is familiar with time zones on earth and beyond and Obama’s Thursday was his Monday and he was able to pre-record the speech and listen to it after returning from dinner at El Grand Véfour in Paris…..

Rick Perry said he had two executions scheduled for the announced date of the speech and thus would have been too busy denying last minute appeals to listen to any goddamned speech by anyone named Obama. And since he absolutely knew what anyone named Obama would say in any speech on any given day - he didn’t have to hear it to criticize it.

Michelle Bachmann said that her celestial calculator indicated that the scheduled day of the speech might well be the end of days, so she wouldn’t be here to criticize it next Thursday - and besides, if her criticism was going to make any news cycle that would do her any good, she had to blast the speech in advance whether she knew what was in it or not.

Ron Paul said that he and "My Son the Senator" each had arranged to read from Atlas Shrugged to school children in their respective State and district on that day and that all possible political speeches and how useless they were, including the one Obama will deliver next Thursday, are revealed in the works of Ayn Rand, who would be a great president if it wasn’t for the stupid rule about having to be born in this country and the fact that she’s dead.

Herman Cain asked what speech? Are you still talking about the same speech? The one about hiring people to deliver pizzas to members of Congress? I know about that one. Goddamned stupid idea. Congress doesn’t pay for anything. My delivery boys would be left holding the bag. Damned sure I’M not paying for anything that phony black man orders.

Sarah Palin said there was no way she was going to let the lame stream media explain what Obama said after he said it when it would be too late to explain what he really said that was so Un-American. She also said she would be on a helicopter caribou hunt that day and she knew what was going to be in the speech from the entrails of the caribou she helicopter shot last Thanksgiving.

Newt Gingrich was too busy working on his September Tiffany’s statement to comment.

Jon Huntsman had a quiet day with his family and said he was looking forward to hearing the President’s ideas on jobs and hoped it would get bi-partisan support from Congress. Like Gingrich, he’s not really vying for the Republican nomination.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

September 2101 - we’ve lost count of the day….

You’ve all heard the news by now I’m sure. Some of you of course are part of the news - the terrible, terrible news. The Chinoranians have now captured Philadelphia and are relentlessly pressing westward. We in Chicago have been alerted to barricade our homes, gather all the weapons we can find and prepare to fight to the last civilian. The army of course has already retreated and those with enough gas to propel their ancient vehicles have gathered in the Denver area to await the outcome of the latest debate in Congress.

It’s hard to believe that it was only six months ago when Chinarania declared war on the United States for daring to suggest that it had violated the basic rights of its citizens. In their declaration, they made it clear that Chinaranian citizens have no rights, basic or otherwise and it was therefore impossible for them to have been violated. When we refused to apologize, they of course announced that their invasion fleet would be leaving immediately and we should prepare for the worst.

As everyone knew- or has at least discovered in the last six months, because of decades of the absence of war, our military equipment was in a state of disrepair and our armed forces decimated by retirements, better futures and jazzier uniforms offered by the MacDonalds service corps - and forced eviction of gay personnel despite the revocation of "Don’t Ask Don’t Tell" which had been expected to go into effect in 2070 but had been delayed by a Republican filibuster, now in its 75th year. But still, with the declaration of war by those wrong Godded heathens, millions of us were ready to stand and die for our country. All we needed was the call to arms and the necessary equipment to repel and defeat the enemy. You’d think that no one - not even the most dedicated pacifist - would have objected to that response. But of course we were wrong. We had forgotten about Speaker of the House , Congressman Micky Cantor, great grandson of the infamous Eric Cantor , who spent his last years in an asylum for the criminally insane after shooting a first responder carrying food and medicine to families trapped in their homes in his district following the devastation of hurricane Zelda in 2038. Apparently the good Samaritan hadn’t been able to explain what Federal program had been cut to pay for the lifesaving supplies and paid for it with his life.

And now we have history repeating itself with Cantor’s great grandson Micky insisting that GG was right - that the do gooder deserved to be shot and that there was no way the House was going to appropriate money for things like tanks and planes and ammunition and paychecks for military personnel without offsetting savings from other Federal programs. The Chinaranian army is expected to reach Cleveland by Wednesday and Speaker Canton has announced that the bi-partisan deficit reduction committee appointed by President Jon Jon Stewart, great grandson of the renowned newsman of the early two thousands , will have a partial report ready by that day and that if sufficient savings have been identified, as many as 700 reconstructed blunderbusses could be approved for immediate shipment to the front lines..

Stay tuned for updates - if we are able to continue to provide them. We have learned that one of the cost savings proposal involves shutting down oxygen supply equipment to all underground news services not identified as registered Republicans. Pray for us…….